Mosquito Bite Reminders

Last night I played ultimate. This occurred in a semi-damp field of crab grass, which happened to be infected with mosquitoes. I was bitten many times, though I was too caught up in the sport to even scratch or see where I had been bitten. Afterwards, I was tired and returned back to my dorm to do work, and I didn't give the itching feeling any chance to creep up on me. I had no idea where any of the bites were, and by ignoring them, they didn't bother me.

Tonight, I was doing work (in reality, reading blogs and news articles) and I absentmindedly scratched my outer right ankle, because it had a slight itch. Immediately the entire area flared up, and I decided very quickly to simply scratch out the bite instead of bearing the itch. One bite definitely wouldn't be too hard to scratch into nothingness. There was one bite that I could feel readily, so I itched it while still reading the article. As I continued to scratch, I realized that there was actually another bump a little farther down from the one I had first felt, so I looked down just to see it and confirm it. Looking down, I realized that there was in fact a third bite that I hadn't even noticed though I was itching at that location.

At this point, I began thinking about how my discovery of these bites was like a person's discovery of their faults or sinfulness. The idea formed in my mind of writing this post, and I decided to do so after scratching out all three. When I was finally ready, I opened this "New Post" page only to feel more itchiness from that ankle. When I examined the area again, I realized that there was in fact a fourth bite underneath the third, all within the same square inch.

But isn't this how things tend to go with humility and seeing our own sinfulness? At the first instance where God shows me my fault, I reply that I will fix that one case and move on, as I believe that that case is the only such example, and that what I am correcting is one outward action or speech. At this response, God every time shows me that though I have fixed that single case, and though I am even now knowledgeable of the sin, I am still guilty. This is reflected in Matthew 7:3-5, in terms of how blind we are to our flaws, that we would recognize them in others yet not know that that same sin, magnified, is present in ourselves.

Even after this second case where God has shown me that that single fix is not a cure, my mindset does not change from a desire to fight. Instead, I decide to make that same cure for every single case, to prevent myself from falling into sin at every temptation. My focus is still on my strength, my ability to move on and improve. God humbles me after this a third time.

Perhaps by now I understand that no matter what kind of strength I have, I will not be able to overcome this sin. I will not by my own fierce determination or driving passion secure purity from this sinfulness. This is not to say that I ought to give in, but rather that I ought to rely on God. For like Jesus tells us in Luke 17:4, if we sin seven times, than we ought also repent of our sin seven times. I think that I have experience enough to understand that if I sin in the same way seven times, then there must be some greater change in me to effect that repentance than simply remembering that temptation. Surely, I must rely on God, knowing that my repentance is full through Jesus.

I struggled here to understand why there would be a fourth bite on my ankle while thinking through this metaphor, and the fact that I struggled here is rather telling. How often, even knowing how helpless we are to our sin and knowing how much we are forgiven through Christ, do we forget and again attempt the fight alone? How often do we count the number of times we have sinned and the number of times we have repented, and finding them equal, rejoiced, forgotten, and moved on? How often do we feel that we have counted every bite that itches us and concluded that there could not possibly be another? As Paul tells us in Romans 7:17 (and surrounding passage), the sin that we have that is responsible for our sinful actions is innate to our very flesh; that anything we do, no matter how holy our intentions, is ever so easily tainted.

So then, knowing that for every sin I repent of, another sin will I find, what even should I do? Paul says in 7:25, "Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Nowhere in this passage does Paul mention anything of his body being turned to good, of his flesh being changed to holiness. Despite his continued knowledge of sin and sinful actions through his body, Paul still lifts up every praise to Jesus, for his soul is saved. This is what the fourth bite reminds me of: even when we have been beaten down to a degree that we did not even previously know, fallen to depths never before explored, even then, we are still counted higher than the angels, covered by Jesus' sacrifice.

Truly, to know this, I might have to be bitten a fifth time, a sixth, seventh, any number of times could it possibly take for me to really understand the significance of this, or to be reminded thereof. Every time, though, I am still overjoyed.

(Curiously, the word itch in its noun and two verb forms is mirrored in Chinese, where the word for itch also means to feel itchy as well as to scratch an itch.)

Things that I am Afraid of

Receiving a text right when I am deleting texts from my phone. Does this actually delete the most recently received text? I don't know, because this has never actually happened to me.

Riding around in my car with windows down and music blasting, only to look out and see somebody I know observing me. It's not that I don't want to be seen blasting music, but rather that those moments are my private chill time.

Accidentally eating Thai shrimp flavored ramen. I absolutely hate this flavor, but somehow I've managed to accidentally cook a pot of this stuff on more than one occasion, and been left without an alternative meal.

Cooking bad food. Perhaps my least favorite interaction with my friends is to have them tell me that my food is delicious when I know it is not. This pains me, both because I have failed to cook yummy food for them, and because my friends are not at a level of openness where derision of my poor performance is acceptable.

Finding ticks on myself. I once was scratching my head, and thought that I had found a particularly large and stubborn bit of dandruff or scab, and spent five minutes prying it loose only to look down at my hand and find a huge squirming wood tick.

Forgetting to do something extremely important, like putting in a deposit that allows me to attend school, or forgetting the test date of my MCAT (which is absurd; it is inconceivable to me that anyone would forget such a thing).

Greasy oily hair.

Zombies. They were for many years the sole dreaded presence in every one of my nightmares. The movie 28 Days Later scarred my young mind to an extent that leaves me still judging the best escape routes and makeshift weapons present in every room I enter.

Migraines.

Worms, slugs, centipedes, and most of all, millipedes. I'm more repulsed by these critters than afraid of them, though.

Waking up thinking that I am the person represented by my memories, but really, I am just a clone that has had these memories placed into me, and I only think I am waking from a night's rest while in reality, I have replaced some person, and it is my first day alive.

Certain scary people.

Public speaking. Actually, I'm not afraid of public speaking, but I do have an awful amount of stage-fright that is totally unrelated to how nervous I feel. My legs start to shake by themselves, and my right eye and cheek begin to twitch.

Having friends use my computer and be hindered by all of my specific modifications and so on. Sometimes, I install things and change settings that I don't even understand, and I become the person hindered.

Losing my mp3 player. This has happened many times, but each time I typically find it about a week later in my other pants pocket (or in Matti's couch after a month). The same deal goes with my watch, but to a much lesser extent.

Sitting in the car with my dad alone. Awkward man conversations. Yea.

Looking bad in front of the girl that I like. This includes saying dumb things, improperly worn clothing, bad table manners, embarrassing noises, ignorance to pop culture, hair needs fixing, etc. I usually don't care what others think of me by my appearance and behavior, but there is just no preventing this.

Being in a place where I do not understand the language, or being surrounded by people who will not speak in a method that I understand. Perhaps this is closer to a peeve than a fear, but only because it has been some time since I ventured to a foreign country. I really do not have the stoutness of heart to trek out on my own in a land where no signs are readable. I also do not have the stoutness of heart to bear being in a conversation among people I care about that is held in a language I do not know.

Forgetting a person's name. With a memory as bad as mine, this happens on a regular basis, so I've learned to just tell the person that I don't remember. This becomes more difficult when the forgotten item is a bit closer to home, like a friend's hometown, number of siblings, recent activities. At worst, this includes my mother's birthday, and my brother's age/grade.

Not having anything to say in a one-on-one conversation. Actually, this is a lie; I love silences, but only if the other person is comfortable with silence. There are some people who are clearly wracking their brains during each pause to come up with a better restart than "The weather is really nice today!". Sometimes this is me.

Finding out that I really don't have what it takes to do what I've been trying to do for a very long time. Well, I haven't experienced this, but I'm pretty sure that I don't need to be there in order to understand this plight.

I'm afraid of not understanding when I am afraid. My confidence is so great that often I forget that I am really not as able as I feel, and in these situations I am suddenly met with fear when the circumstances do not unfold as I desire.

Being asked to do things that I myself am not capable of doing. No, this does not mean reaching for items on the top shelf. These are the problem sets that I spend weeks on, the internships I apply to in droves, the understanding of concepts that lie in theoretical math. Understanding a woman's heart. Loving unconditionally. Following God.

I am afraid of laughter that never had the chance to spring forth. I am afraid of life lessons that I have skipped, and detours that were not taken. I am afraid the death of the wife that I do not yet have, and the children that I have not yet received. I am afraid of my own body, which will in time betray my will and destroy itself. I am afraid of a future that has not been seen, and a past that will not be remembered. I am afraid of people I do not know, and of people I do know. I am afraid of anthills and skyscrapers, whispered words and unseen signs. Most of all, I am afraid of you, and I am afraid of me. Luckily, I also have hope in all of these things.