A Dream Deferred

I started painting today. I know that you've told me not to do so on several occasions, but I can't stop myself. Before I even understand what has happened, my hands have already splashed colors and shades against the paper. I know you will be sorely disappointed that I have created this drawing. I myself knew that eventually I would again paint, despite my reservations. One who is born to create such things cannot be drawn away from it.

These paintings take time. Each day I add a bit, change a stroke. This is my art, and I am entitled to undo any part of it whenever I choose, though I suppose this may not be reflected in the final work. I have never thought of this before, but you will only see what ultimately remains, while I will see the entire process stored within.

Today I added some scenery. I'm not sure exactly where the idea for the backdrop came from, but I really love it. I hope that you will, also. Admittedly, I am beginning to feel as if the creative process would benefit from your input. It is difficult at these times to understand who exactly this painting is for. My inspiration is external, yet inspiration is in its very nature an internal phenomenon.

I am ready to show you what I have, since the first stage is essentially completed. I need your help with the rest.

I am starting to remember why I hate painting so much. My paintings are special, though many do not understand that. Perhaps this is because they are special to myself only. What I see in the creation that I have wrought is not a shared vision. This is the way of art, I suppose, that the vision that I possess within, though manifested faithfully in the work, cannot be understood by any save myself. This is doubly painful now, since I had only one audience in mind even before I began painting, and yet you admit that you are only able to appreciate the technical aspect of the work.

I know that you told me to quit, and that I agreed completely, but the canvas is still there in my studio lying against the wall. I’m not sure what I should do with it. What happens to a dream deferred?

Maybe I'm just not a very good painter.

I haven't been doing any art recently. I know you only said to cancel that one painting, but ever since I took it off the easel, I haven't found the desire to put anything else up there. I know, my career is at jeopardy if I continue like this. An artist's life is in his work. I guess the real question is, what happens to an artist who cannot continue his work? Should he change his career? What if his art is the only way he knows? What happens to a dream deferred?


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(in an unrelated note)

He is risen.

I Miss Writing

(At 12 AM)
Stacy: mmm yea i'm just gonna chill for another 15 minutes
it's not due until 4 pm tmrw
me: lolllll
i know that feeling
at 6am you start feeling a lot more urgency
at 10am you feel dire urgency
Stacy: hahahaha
me: and at 1pm, you're either gonna finish or you're not
meanwhile your eyes feel like they have peanut butter in them
and your feet are tingling every time you stand up
and you run your fingers through your hair
and it feels like crabgrass

I wish I could write stuff like this all the time, but there's no inspiration most of the time.