Selfishness

There is a certain state of mood that I enter that makes me immediately think "I've got to go blog", which can occur even if I have absolutely nothing in mind.

But I have something in mind tonight.

--

Tonight I was struck by the incredibly selfishness of people, including and especially myself. This is not a concept unexperienced or unfamiliar to me, yet never before have I been struck by its (selfishness) pervasiveness and unavoidable-ness. (OK, strange word usage, fine.) There isn't particularly much to this experience, as nothing incredible happened to me or around me; I merely had conversations with both old friends and newer friends and was left with an intense sadness over the futility of the actions of man, of people, that with each act that we take we hope to serve ourselves.

As often as I think about how I should not do things for myself and should instead do things for God, I find myself doing exactly the opposite. It is not the case of taking two steps forward and one step back, or even of taking one forward and two back. Each step is backward, and each step is a leap, a bound, a tumble. It is as Paul says in Romans 7 about his flesh, and yet, how is it that I who commands my flesh is not also my flesh itself? If I am not commanding my flesh, then who?

And as much as I know my own miscues and stutters, it is not just me. It is sinners; me, you, everybody. I'm not even talking about any particular sin or mistake. I'm talking about betrayal of God on a basic level, where every single fiber of a man's being yearns for Him yet at the same time makes every effort to run from Him. This is a multitude of nights sadly looking at my Bible on my nightstand there unopened, again, before turning out the lights. And yet, it is something that lies deeper than that routine refusal, something that constitutes our very core, something that continually leaves us with a feeling of guilt despite forgiveness; a feeling that we are better, a feeling that we should be something, a feeling that we deserve something. For how else could a man feel guilt for a failure that is already forgiven?

If I have found myself unable to serve God, I have found myself that much more incapable of serving my fellow man. How often have I seen opportunities to serve and instead preoccupied myself with other demands, justified what should not, could never be justified? And even when I do decide to act, I am ever relieved to find the work easy, or that my subsequent gain in self-worth outweighed the loss of time and effort spent - a net gain for me. Society tell us that merely showing the intent to help others is sufficient, that being motivated in the "right" direction is "right". Yet the only one really benefiting from this attitude is the one who has gone through the motions if not the successes for the sake of meeting a standard.

The development of this line of thinking in me has only led to an ever increasing respect and adoration of Jesus. Having seen my own failing compassion for suffering and inability to remain faithful to fairly simple concepts, it is incredible to me on a daily basis to think of a man having the attitude and actions that Jesus had. Many instances are commonly cited, but the most poignant to me is in Luke 19 when Jesus is said to have wept over the city of Jerusalem as he drew near because he knew that what he would do for the people would not be enough to save them because the choice to be saved would have to be made by themselves each individually. Think on this though: this man wept because he could not do any more than what he would eventually do: give his life for them.

Yet we who know of this man take our individual daily steps backward, leave our Bibles closed when they demand to be open, think about how we ought to be serving God instead of actually serving God. And the sadness is not in these actions themselves, but rather due to the continual denial of the Lord via the demands of selfishness and entitlement and preoccupation with ourselves.

--

Sometimes the words that I manage to finally put down here are not the ones that I had imagined an hour or two ago when I began. Yet when I finish here, I am mostly satisfied with what has been slowly worked out. This seems to me to be some sort of strange process whereby my thoughts which are fraught with feeling and emotion are conformed to the output of my limited language skills and the hardness of words. It is very much like that particle which, in order to be located, by design is altered. Thus this writing process is part of the maturation process of my very thinking.

Often

Often, I begin writing/drafting/brainstorming my posts by typing "Sometimes", after which I erase it and think about how the concept I was going to describe occurs more often than sometimes.

* * *

Sometimes, I wonder about how I ended up here. Here might be north western Philadelphia, medical school, America, an hour from home, Christian, (not) tired, ethnically Chinese, or 2 AM. How did this happen??, I wonder to myself. In just a few of those circumstances, I wonder why?, but not usually. I've realized that when people ask me "Why?", I typically respond by answering instead the question of "How?"

An actual conversation I had with a teacher in high school when she grew frustrated with my snide comments:
"Why are you here today?"
"Because I got on the bus this morning."

I did answer her question.

* * *

I've always contemplated being a writer. Actually, I've really contemplated and still hope to have a career where I can do my work and have left the mental capacity to go home and be a writer. I don't want to write to support myself, because that would mean pressure on my writing.

This reminds me of something that my roommate has often said jokingly recently: "Pressure makes diamonds." I had a friend in elementary school who once picked up a piece of anthracite coal on a field trip to a mine after learning that diamonds form in coal seams under extreme pressure, and proceeded to demonstrate by squeezing the chunk tightly in his hands, saying that he might have it ready by the 7th grade.

Let's not kid ourselves here. Pressure makes diamonds, but people don't make pressure that makes diamonds. If I ever have anybody tell me when I'm under pressure that pressure makes diamonds, I'm going to thrust some coal into their hands and say "go ahead".

* * *

Having a Bible is great, but it doesn't do you much good if you don't use it.

* * *

Don't go grocery shopping when you're hungry. Seriously, you'll save money. In both the following instances, I only needed to buy milk and bread.

Here's when I went shopping after I ate:

LV WHL MILK - 2.17
SOFT HNY WHT - 2.79

Total Cost: 3.86 (I have a savings card)

Here's when I went shopping before I ate:

LV WHL MILK - 2.21
SOFT HNY WHT - 2.99
YAMS - 1.36
H&S OCN LIFT - 4.99
BAR SPAGHETTI - 1.59
AC SPAGHETTI - 0.99
BAR SPAGHETTI - 1.59
BAR SPAGHETTI - 1.59
BAR FARFALLE - 1.59
BAR FARFALLE - 1.59
BAR SPAGHETTI - 1.59
BAR FARFALLE - 1.59

Total Cost: 18.17 (Again, savings card)

Why did I buy so much pasta? Did I really need 2 lbs of yams?? Also, can anybody tell me what "H&S OCN LIFT" is??? I made this purchase more than a month ago and now I have absolutely no idea what I bought for five dollars.

In addition, why didn't I buy any spaghetti sauce?

* * *

Can we agree that the opposite of a "smart phone" is a "dumb phone"? I just want to be able to refer to my phone as a dumb phone.

"Can you check the address?"
"Sorry, I have a dumb phone."
"...What?"

Or even better, perhaps a "differently-abled" phone. I think I have heard that term to be a more politically correct one.

"Can you check the address?"
"Sorry, I have a differently-abled phone."
"You have an iPhone?"

iPhone users: I'll just let that soak in for a while. If you don't understand, I'm sure there's an app for that.

A Thought (as opposed to "Some Thoughts")

"Western man is so surrounded by ideas, so bombarded with opinions, concepts, and information structures of all sorts, that it becomes difficult to experience anything without the intervening filter of these structures. And the natural world - our traditional source of direct insights - is rapidly disappearing. Modern city-dwellers cannot even see the stars at night. This humbling reminder of man's place in the greater scheme of things, which human beings formerly saw once every twenty-four hours, is denied them. It's no wonder that people lose their bearings, that they lose track of who they really are, and what their lives are really about."

  -Travels, Michael Crichton

So accustomed have I grown to Crichton's beliefs and so borrowed are they into my own opinions that I did not even stop for a second to consider that the above passage from his autobiography of sorts was written about the world of 1988, the year I was born. My initial reaction had been to nod my head in silent agreement, lamenting the state of society here, with its obsessions and proud ignorance. But the world of 1988 was a world that I did not grow up in (almost even in the literal sense, since my birthday is in December), and surely not equivalent to the world of the present.

Assuming for the moment that you agree with me in the application of Crichton's sentiment to modern day-America, I will conjecture something about the nature of man: that we will always choose to define our existences, and that what we define will be based solely on what we know and perceive. With the use of 'existences' I mean to refer to more than just each of our physical surroundings; I include the thoughts and ideas (and their subsequent actions) about which we judge and believe in the world. A less abstract definition of 'existence' might be the facts that we each hold as facts that may or may not be in fact, facts. Our individual perceptions of truth and of reality.

(Here's an example, if you will, that I have taken from personal experience. One person grew up often eating soup for breakfast, including chicken noodle soup, beef stew, and so on. Another person has never eaten soup for breakfast. The first person will believe that it is natural for breakfast to include soup, while the other person will not. Breakfast as part of each of these individuals' existences is a different entity.)

Usually the differences in our perception are acknowledged and acceptable. I may think that the TV show Jersey Shore is an absurd drain on society, contributing to an accelerating decline of intelligence in modern entertainment, while you may think it incredibly amusing and flavorful (though I would hope not). I might precede a statement about Jersey Shore with the words "In reality, Jersey Shore is...", but so might you.

While that particular expression is merely a figure of speech, there is still a sameness behind the intent of its use, in that both you and I have a perception of that particular aspect of the world, and that perception is based on a complex compilation of experiences. You and I do not have the same group of experiences, and so we do not have the same perception. Therein lies the inclination to accept the possibilities of different perceptions, assuming knowledge of the the previous statement, but therein also lies both the crux and unraveling of Crichton's message: that this difference predisposes each man to exist (in our previous definition of the term) in his own world. That a man may recognize that his experiences and knowledge is separate and distinct from any other allows him to chase any notion or belief that he is inclined to pursue. Man believes in his own existence because of his ability to interpret the world as a summary of his own perceptions regardless of the method of perceiving. Thus a blind man can live in a world that is not defined by visual appearance, and a color-blind man can live in a world without acknowledging the difference in visual representation of red and green. They need not others to tell them of things that they have no knowledge of; yet if they are told, the existence of those aspects is yet perceived as part of the world even if not in the same manner as others.

This is what allows man to believe in the existence of what is invisible, or to disregard the vastness of the universe in favor of the small Earth. This is what drives men to agree and disagree: the notion that another man may hold a belief that is comparable to one's own despite our inability to perceive the minds of others.

Here then, is where I disagree (such strong irony in this statement) with Crichton's assertion that people do not know who they really are, or what their lives are really about. Perhaps he felt this way about city-dwellers in 1988, but this does not mean that those people were according to his assertion. To each "Western man" and to any man at all, really, the world is and continues to be a collection of "opinions, concepts, and informations structures of all sorts". A man will continue to exist in his world regardless of what sorts of new information he is enlightened of, for he cannot help but assimilate every experience in some way. "I will never look at ____ the same way again" is an example of this.

And finally, it is a hallmark of the human spirit to believe that there are parts of our existences that we do not yet know and to take action to confirm this (in other words, to experience them). The pursuit of the unknown is a fundamental driving force behind every motivation of man. Every action a man takes serves to change his existence, to seek some aspect of the world that yet is not known or not experienced and make it thus. This is because every moment of the present's future is completely and wholly unknown, and it is without exception that every action taken serves to attempt definition of that future. To attempt to define the future is to attempt to define the unknown, and to define the unknown to make known the unknown. This may be observed on both a microcosmic and macrocosmic scale, from each small motion taken by our bodies to the thoughtful anticipation of events coming in the next few minutes to careful planning and desirable deliverance of occurrences taking place in months, years, and even beyond our own lifespans. Rewatching an episode of Jersey Shore holds as much discovery as purposeful scientific research under these terms, and this is because of the equivalence in both cases of the fulfillment of desire of the unknown.

If you've actually followed through my thought process this far, thanks for coming with me down this road, as I've tried many, many times before to express this belief, but have never felt it as clearly conveyed as in this attempt. There is a strange irony in my attempt at even conveying such a concept.

On Sleep

Alan: mmmm
i leave melissa for that girl all the time...

Life Sountrack

Today, walking back from class, as I approached a red van for some sort of labor service (I don't remember which), the man seated in the middle of the front row leaned out the passenger windows next to me and threw a cigarette butt down on the road. The van sat at a red light for a moment as I contemplated picking up the butt and giving it back to the man and telling him to not litter and possibly even to quit smoking. I felt fear of imaginary repercussions, and I could not act, and so as I walked by, the light turned green and the van drove off.

My mp3 player at this point was playing "Reflection" by Christina Aguilera, and just as I made my decision to keep my mouth shut, the lyrics "Why must we all conceal\What we think\How we feel" played. Of course, not context appropriate given the song, but altogether, amusing.

I feel as if this happens often for me, but likely at times because I purposely play an appropriate song. Ever had something that was happening to you seem soundtracked by music that coincidentally is playing?