music is an essay

music is an essay that i cannot find myself to write. i don't have a paper to write on, nor do i have a pen with which to mark. not that it matters. there are infinite combinations that could be laid out. sequences and patterns never before thought of, never imagined, that don't exist until they suddenly do.

but they never will, because i will not write them. music is an essay that i cannot find myself to write. i cannot find myself to write. i cannot find myself. i cannot. find myself. but i could, before. before, i found myself to write a essay of music that was merely an essay. can i not find myself, or can i not write the essay? or can i not find myself to write the essay?

sloth is an essay that i can find myself to write. i write it each day, each hour, with my still eyeballs that scribble madly, lazily, nothing. i write this essay of meaninglessness so that i need not write anything else. my pen is a paint roller, my paper not important. i write while lying down | i write while standing up | i write while sitting down | i write while writing | i write in my sleep | i write incessantly as if running in place will win me a marathon where the reward is a single step forward.

evil is an essay that i can find myself to write. sometimes it sneaks up on me; i write this essay accidentally. i write an essay so dark and drenching that the pen is my blood and the paper is my life. it soils my soul to write this essay. but this accident is not the careless tipping of my inkwell; when i spill my blood there i have known for days, years, and eons that it is to be spilled. the blood falls from my every orifice: i speak in blood, hear in blood, smell in blood, see in blood, urinate in blood. the sweat from writing this paper is not blood; it is bile, a noxious odor that destroys the fat of life. it stains me when i sweat, a stain not easily removed by any means. i do not wish to write this essay.

soon i wish to not write any essays. soon i will not need to write any essays, because they will be beneath me. i will write music, and you will hear it. it will be a song of heaven, and then you will know that a single note is better than any number of words however beautiful.