Some of My Recent Thoughts (With Humor)

Today, I learned that people around me don't play by the rules, and that I don't either. I tried to correct myself and play by the rules after I didn't play by the rules, but instead I just felt cheap and the guilt stayed with me. I wonder if other people have experienced this. Never before have I cheated and immediately attempted to rectify the situation by reversing my action, and never have I felt so cheated by my simple desire to be a better person. I am a worse person, and there is nothing I can really do about it.

Sometimes, I am at peace with the world. At these times, I take my hands off the wheel and let it coast. The car drifts left and right, but I am not perturbed. My brain is not quiet, because I'm not just zoning out. I am wondering and pondering, and somehow each piece fits into the next.

Everything feels better if you put the word "together" after it. For example, if I were to come up to you and say, "I feel bad that we lied to our mutual friend, so let's apologize", you would probably reply with "Let's go play video games until our eyeballs fall out." But if I asked you, "I feel bad that we lied to our mutual friend, let's apologize together", you would probably drop whatever you were doing and take my hand and run to our mutual friend to apologize. Later, I would find you furiously writing a letter to the president lobbying for world peace while also starting first round drug trials for a miracle cancer drug, which you developed. Don't forget my cut.

A human brain, or as far as I can tell, can only think about one thing at a time. Processors nowadays can think about four or more things simultaneously. Can you imagine if you were able to think about four things at a time? Of course not, because you can't. It's like trying to think about what the fifth dimension looks like, or the sixth. To me, it's like trying to think like a woman.

I am currently listening to the encore track from Daft Punk's Alive 2007 CD, and I must say, it's quite remarkable. Perhaps this is because the current worries and cares that I hold are not a match for the swelling and throbbing. Someday, I want to make music like this. Even if I don't, I will be just as content to listen, as I am now doing.

I readily admit that nowadays I am not even concerned with finding a girl with pretty hair and kind eyes that will cook my eggs in the morning. I swear that I am not nor have not been thinking about where I can locate this girl who can indulge me in a round of video games every now and then yet also seriously and contentiously pick out our furniture and drapes and so on with me. I love decorating. Also, I'm definitely not at all worried about meeting a girl that will lean on my shoulder during a movie or even whenever and tell me to sleep at reasonable times because she is worried for my health. Finally, I am certainly not at all trying to actively search for a girl that will smile when I hand her flowers or squeeze back when our hands are together. I am not a romantic. I firmly believe that there is more to life than being married and loving your spouse dearly. I have greater ambitions than living happily in a medium-sized home with children running around in the yard. I have dreams more than these simple things, because I want more out of life than those small and sweet moments of love.

The smallest things take us out of our happy, satisfied state. Frustration comes knocking at my gate each time I give release to each of my small petty desires. Perhaps "crashing" should replace "knocking". My tongue is loosed, and my emotions run free. I hold such contradicting values at import: finesse and strength, tact and directness, effusiveness and reserve. My feelings beg me to both crush and sooth, and I am torn between being a vacuum and an explosion.

Sometimes, I am reduced to an eight-year-old by the enormity of the situation occurring around me. Beforehand, I always imagine that difficult situations will force me to suddenly gain incredible composure and tact, and that I will know exactly what to say and what to do, so that everybody around me will be amazed. Also, I would be able to fly, move things with my mind, shoot laser beams from my forehead, and understand women. If you're going to gain something that you didn't have before in an imaginary world, go all the way, or else you're just shortchanging yourself. Don't get shortchanged in your own imaginary world.

Every day I am growing and understanding more the people around me, including myself. The lesson reinforced here, though somewhat contradictory, is that I am learning nothing and everything. To learn is to admit not knowing, as belief in knowing is resigning to not learning. When I say to myself, "Hey, I think you've understood that person a bit more", what I've really done is to put in my mind a giant sign in front of the path to knowledge of that person that says "Hey, you've decided that you know something, so you can't travel this road anymore." I'm really starting to dislike this construction company.

I'm tired of being tired of things. I don't want to complain about how terrible this person is, or how awful the recent course of events that I've experienced is, or how unfortunate it is that blah blah blah blah blah blah blah I've heard this story a million times so now I'll just nod and say "Yea, that sucks". I'm tired of myself. I'm tired of being a hypocrite and not being able to grab the nearest person to me and scream into his surprised face, "I'm an idiot!", because I sorely need to do this all the time. Maybe I will wear a sheet of paper on my back that says "Kick Me" without a specification why, since the majority of the time I'm about due for somebody to suggest that I shut up and stop whining.

If I can find a girl who can go on this date with me, I will marry her: We'll meet after eating something, because being hungry ruins everything. We will go lie down on a hill together, and hold hands, and stare at the clouds going by. We will be happy without having to ask one another, "Are you enjoying this?" She will not ask me, "Is this a picnic?" I will not ever say "When do you want to go?" We will both turn off our cell phones, which is an amazing idea, by the way. Afterwards, we will get up and go home, and I will not be worried about whether or not this is the right girl, and she will not be worried about whether or not various bugs crawled into her hair. This will only work on a sunny day in a green meadow, so if there are no more sunny days for a long time or no more green meadows (God forbid) then I will not be getting married for a long time. Some other day, not related to the previous one, she will show up to my door and knock with her closed fist, and I will answer the door, and she will ask me "Do you want to take a walk?" and I will say "Sure".

As much as ocean waves are credited for being constant, when has any particular wave ever been the same as any other particular wave? The shore is never the same as it was before, and so none of us are ever the same as the last time. Indeed, even when I listen again to this track, it is different, though the bits encoded in the data are perhaps not changed. There is emotion and feeling attached and embedded in this song, and they are not immutable. My head bobs up and down with each beat, but it does not repeat the same motion ever, not even if I did this for all eternity. We do not live lives of drudgery that repeat endlessly, and we are not suffering lives of boredom that wind down and down until we die. We are vibrant beings of change, ever moving and ever shifting to new positions, thinking new thoughts, developing new experiences, and growing new relationships. We are alive.