Money

So, I just bought on a whim some electronics that I do not need in any way to make my living. I purchased them because they were extremely on sale (today is Black Friday, after all), and also because I had been toying with the idea of buying these things for some time now. I spent 199.99 on two things.

Immediately after hitting "Place Order", I felt a bit of me die inside. I had just spent 200 dollars, which amounted to about 1/4 of the money that I currently have (money that I made through my own jobs, and not money from my parents). I was physically pained with the thought of having spent as much money.

I have terrible spending habits. My combined total after tax income during each of my 3 summers spent here is probably in the realm of $8000. I have left less than 5% of the money. My parents pay for my living expenses, including food. They pay for my schooling expenses, including books. They bought me a car; they only money that I've spent that I have needed to spend is on gas. Yet my attitude toward spending is still of painful loss. This paradox doesn't really make sense, even to me.

Point here is that I realized after buying those two items that I am a slave to my wallet. This doesn't manifest itself in the ways that you would expect. I do not shrink from footing the bill of an event in my fellowship. I do not quaver when nobody pays me back after I cook a large meal. I do not think twice of covering friends on a daily basis.

But inside, I count the costs. Each dollar spent hurts, not because I am constantly checking my balance, but because I would rather keep it for myself than for whatever purpose I use it for. On a different level, I am kept satisfied because the majority of my money is still present in my account, at the end of the day. I will not fear for spending $200 if I know that $600 is still in my account, unreasonable as it sounds.

This leads me to the example of Ananias and Sapphira (Acts 5:1-11). Ananias came to the apostles to give away the earnings that he gained from selling a piece of property. When he gave, however, he kept a portion of what the money for himself. The purpose of his selling the property was to provide for those who had need. Peter notices this and calls him out. Ananias is struck dead on the spot. Sapphira, his wife, unknowingly makes the same decision, and is also struck dead.

What exactly did Ananias do that deserved sudden death? His death might seem unreasonable given that the purpose of selling his property (to give to those who had need) was still accomplished by giving only some of what he received. Therefore, Ananias was not punished for not giving, as he did so. Furthermore, we would presume that Ananias was not struck dead for keeping what was already his to begin with, referring to the land that he sold.

Peter, though, has this to say: "Ananias, why has Satan filled your heart to lie to the Holy Spirit ... Why is it that you have contrived this deed in your heart? You have not lied to men but to God." Peter's focus is not on whether or not Ananias has broken the rules and goals of men, but rather on the situation between Ananias' heart and God. The problem there is thus: Ananias overtly sold the land to provide for others. He did so as part of a church, which at that time was the church. The understanding there is that his motivation came not from any source (whether it be improvement of image, favor with others, self-fulfilment, or secular charity) but the word of Jesus Christ. Peter saw that Ananias' heart was not with this purpose, but rather of selfish reasons. What Ananias was guilty of wasn't explicitly keeping some money for himself, but was rather having a heart that would do so.

I would conjecture that had Ananias been giving money solely to curry favor and gain standing among the community, and had not kept any money for himself, then Peter might still have spoken out against him, albeit with different words. Perhaps Ananias would still have been struck dead.

Money then, isn't the actual problem here, but rather having a heart that does not recognize how small a thing money is in the perspective of the love of God. I felt pain when spending money because I fail to see that money's place is as an expedient in the service of God's people to Him. To me, money is an end, not a means.

Perhaps this idea is cliché to you. It was in fact cliché to me, yet I did not realize that I fell deeply into this problem until now.